Not What I'd Expected

Years ago, I suppose like any little girl, I thought I'd grow up, have my daddy walk me down the aisle, marry a handsome man, and begin my life living happily ever after. In 2010, part of that dream was taken from me when my father passed from Cancer. Although since his passing, Dad has been with me in many ways, it's certainly not the same as having him here in his physical form.

Dad had the strongest arms, like Popeye. I recently had a vision of his arms and two tattoos, which he hated, a crescent moon and "Big Ed." He regretted ever getting those tattoos, and warned all of his children against them. My vision was that his arms were my own, like I put on a Halloween costume of sorts. Perhaps that was a sign of my inner strength; perhaps it was me desperately seeking his.

On this day 6 months ago, I did in fact marry, and my groom was a very handsome man indeed. We did it rather quickly, after less than a year of knowing one another. In all honesty, I didn't think that my person was American, let alone from Charleston (my home town), but the Lord works in mysterious ways.

During the ceremony, I had my mother walk me down the aisle to give me away. Her strength is no doubt what has kept my family together these past 7 years, and recently, my sister has surprised me with her ability to step up into that role of "I've got this," but that's for another time.

Today happens to be Father's Day along with my 6 month anniversary, so much of my emotion is missing Dad, but also it's a bit of me being reminded that things don't always turn out as we'd expect. Sometimes we step into a role thinking one thing, and we quickly find out that there's something else entirely going on. For example, we may take a new job thinking the position is one thing, and we learn that it's not at all what we had hoped. Maybe more is expected of us than we'd like to give, or maybe less is expected and we feel restricted...limited by parameters. Maybe there is too much on our shoulders. Maybe we don't have the materials or supplies needed to do our job successfully. With any of these circumstances, we either figure out a way to make things work, or we leave. I've done this a few times now. My philosophy of education wasn't the same as the school in China, so I resigned. I'm currently in a position where I feel I could be doing more, but based on district policy, I feel unable to do so. We will see if I can make necessary changes in the position, or if I'll be called elsewhere in the future.

In marriage, it's much the same. We have a choice when faced with hardships, either stay, or leave. We go into a union with hopes of a blissful life together, but if anyone tells you that it's all roses and rainbows, they are either lying or oblivious to the of truth relationship. Of nearly every marriage ceremony I have attended, I know of at least one major difficulty the bride and groom have faced since they said "I do." Some couples face their challenges long before their wedding day, yet go forward with the belief that they can fix things. I myself thought it would be easier than it has been, but I will say that we have had circumstances unlike most newlyweds. I can admit that I did not expect it to be so challenging for the reasons we have faced, and I did believe that being married, we'd be better off together, but I too have learned that it's not as easy as one might imagine. I had hoped for a lot of things that haven't yet come into fruition, but I haven't lost faith that they will. I have no intention of going anywhere. I think challenges make us stronger, so I am relying on my faith to get us through this, just like every other difficult situation I've faced.

Six months into our marriage, my husband and I have been challenged with "in sickness and in health" multiple times. He has been in the ER, in for testing, or admitted to the hospital on my birthday, St Patrick's Day, Father's Day (yes, even today) and other non-holidays. We have accrued medical bill after medical bill in our short time together and where I've spent most summers abroad globetrotting, this year I'm home in Charleston, dare I say "stuck," while we wait on test results. I had hoped that my new husband and I would be able to travel the world together...that I'd be able to take him on fascinating tours and share with him one of the things that I love most, but all of that is on hold for now. What is of most importance, obviously, is getting him well, but in some ways, I do feel a bit cheated. That comment is in no way directed towards my husband, so please don't take it as such. Chance certainly can't help his state. He of all people wants to be well. I know he's tired of being the patient.

I also know saying all of this, that some may respond with a "What's wrong with you" kind of attitude towards me. Others may say, "You don't have it nearly as bad as I do." I have heard of stories more trying than mine. My heart goes out to those couples who have suffered or struggled with their own set of demons. I'm not trying to compare myself to others, though, and I'm not trying to get sympathy here. I don't want anyone to look at me and think, "What a horrible person." What I'm doing, or attempting to do, is say that it's not all what I'd expected the first 6 months of marriage to be, and to remind others contemplating marriage to give it serious thought. I actually believe I recall the pastor saying something similar...to try and prepare us prior to our big day.

Do I regret it? No. Do I love my husband less than I did last year when we met? Of course not! I am delighted that we found each other and I am thankful that he loves me as much as he does...I am pretty sure I walk on water in his eyes, which if you know me, is rather funny. I'm not an easy person to live with...ask my best friend-turned greatest enemy-turned best friend again.

Chance is the kindest and most gentle man I've ever known. He would and will do anything in his power to make me happy, and I know that, but sometimes, there are things beyond our control and circumstances can be trying. I just felt, being the honest and upfront person that I am, that I'd let you all know that life does through us curveballs, and in writing this, hopefully encourage you in a round about way...we all have mountains and valleys in life. Our valleys just came early, so I suppose we have lots of uphill travel ahead...pun intended. I'm not disappointed that I'm married or that things have been as they have. I look forward to Chance getting a clean bill of health and to us sharing many experiences together. Think of how strong we will be for having made it through all of this! Although we have had a pebble or two in our path, we have a bright future, I believe, and I'm reminded that often, what we expect or hope for is actually less than we are blessed with, so I will give it to God and let the future unfold as it will.

Despite the trials we have faced alone or together, we are blessed today, and I for one am grateful that I have a husband I believe my father hand selected for me. Happy Father's Day, Daddy, and Happy Anniversary, Chance.